


until we can't

by a_fandom_affliction



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Other, christ ok i dont know, ok, sirius is in denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-09 07:47:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5531495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_fandom_affliction/pseuds/a_fandom_affliction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is just a little bit frightened and a little bit bent, but he'll be fine, as long as Remus helps him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	until we can't

Sirius hadn't known what to expect when he escaped Azkaban. His plans hadn't gone past Peter. Peter and Harry. Sirius hadn't much cared what would happen after that. He only wanted to take revenge on Peter. The filthy rat had ruined  _everything_ for Sirius. 

But, Peter  _escaped_. He ran away, just when Sirius had almost caught him. He ruined everything. _Again_.

Sirius could almost forgive this, because he had Harry. Harry and  _Remus_. Remus, his _friend_. He had nearly forgotten what it was like to have friends - to have _family_. 

And it was  _perfect_ because he, Sirius Black, had one of his best friends back. He almost could convince himself that everything would turn out alright, because Remus was there and Remus  _always_ knew what to do. 

Remus knew how to answer questions and how to save Sirius. He knew how to make sure Sirius was _safe_. No one had done that in so long. 

And Sirius remembered often how it had used to be. He and Remus and late-night chocolate stealing He and Remus and quiet corners with frothy butterbeers. He and Remus and his first ever .perfect Christmas. He and Remus. He and  _Remus_. 

Remus. Remus, the werewolf. Remus, Sirius'  _best friend_. Remus, who was protected even if he didn't want to be. Remus, who suffered every month, and didn't complain. Remus, who forgave wrongs as easily as he smiled. Remus, who kept his head held high despite it all. Despite the pain. Despite the monster that fought tooth and nail for control. 

And Sirius knew that Remus deserved better. Remus deserved a nice house, and a good job, and a loving wife. Sirius knew that what Remus had was far from that. He had a dusty room in Grimmauld Place, and unpaid work with the Order, and a broken friend. Remus had Sirius, but Sirius knew that he wasn't enough. 

Because after Azkaban, Sirius wasn't the same. He  _knew_ he wasn't. His smiles were few and far between. He no longer felt the need to turn everything into a joke. He was _sad_. He was quiet. He was lonely, even with Remus and Harry. 

But Remus and Harry didn't understand. They didn't _know_. They didn't know what it was like, to hear the worst moments of their lives, hour after hour. Day after day. Year after year. He had only kept his mind by transforming. When he was in animagus form, he wasn't Sirius Black, the convicted murderer. He wasn't the one the dementors wanted. He was Snuffles.  _Padfoot_. He was simpler. 

But the changes hadn't saved him completely. He still remembered the cold. The  _cold_. He remembered how afraid he had been. How afraid he still was. He was so, so,  _scared_.

So scared that he often woke to his own screaming. His voice would be raw and torn, but he  _couldn't stop_. He only could scream until no more sound came out. Screamed until the tears came, and his body became wracked with sobs. Screamed because it was the only way to show how much _pain_ he was in. Screamed until Remus entered the room, wrapped in layers and layers of blankets. And then Sirius would stop. 

Remus would crack horrible egg jokes until he had Sirius smiling again. Sirius and Remus would sit on the floor and eat chocolates, just as they had at Hogwarts when Remus had been too tired to sleep. Sirius could  _almost_ convince himself that it was all alright, when Remus was there. It would all turn out eggcellent. Eggstraordinary. 

And Remus made Sirius feel good about everything again. It used to be Sirius who reassured. Sirius who was confident and helpful. Now Remus had to fix Sirius, because Sirius had kept Remus from breaking when they were children. 

Sirius relied on Remus. Ever since Peter had escaped, Remus had been the one keeping Sirius going. He no longer fed off of fumes of blood lust and anger. No. He lived for Remus. For his Moony. Because Remus believed that Sirius was strong a brave. A  _true_ Gryffindor. He had to show Remus that he could do it.

He _could_ do it. He had to. He needed to stay healthy. Stay  _happy_. But it was hard. He had to live in the place he swore he'd never return to. He had to stay hidden. Stay  _safe_. But he was cooped up inside like a child who wasn't allowed to go play, while Remus got to go out into the world. While  _Harry_ got to go out into the world. 

But, then, Harry was in danger.  _Again_. Harry was in danger because of  _Voldemort_. The one who  _killed_ Lily and James. The one who caused  _everything_ was  _back_. 

The single, most important upside to the return of Lord Voldemort was that Sirius was near to Harry _and_ Remus. He got them  _both_. His family was with him, and they were working.  _Together_. They would win, Sirius knew. Remus and Harry and he could do anything. They  _had_ to. 

Then everything was gone in an instant. Sirius fell behind the veil, and his body was carried high. High. Higher. He wasn't  _afraid_ , for the first time in  _years_. This was  _better_. This was  _good_. Sirius wasn't afraid anymore. He didn't even feel lonely.  

He watched from above as Harry ran after Bellatrix. The Order fought and fought. Sirius saw his friends - his  _family_ , really - fall. They fought until they couldn't, anymore.

Sirius saw Remus. His hands were shaking, and he looked  _broken_. Sirius wished more than anything that he could help his friend. His  _best_ friend. But Sirius was... not  _dead_ , he thought. Suspended, maybe. Suspended like a bowtruckle nest between life and death. 

Sirius was in the center. On one side was Remus.  _Remus_. His brave, brave friend. His rock. His entire family. But on the other... Sirius knew that he would find James, if he went away from Remus. Find his brother. His partner in crimes long forgotten. 

But _Remus_. If Sirius could figure out how to walk through the veil, he knew what he would do. Remus  _needed_ him. Sirius would carry all of the  _fear_ and  _loneliness_ in the world to be with Remus. 

Because Remus was _his_. He'd always been his. From the moment Sirius had barged into compartment No. 137 on the Hogwarts Express, Remus had been his. Even if Sirius hadn't known it until Remus was taken from him for twelve years. Even if Remus didn't know. 

But Remus was  _his_ and Sirius would always choose him. In that second - in that one, tiny, inconceivable _moment_ that he saw Remus' shaking hands, Sirius chose. Sirius chose his friend, the best family he'd ever had. He chose the scarred man that stood silently in the center of a whirlpool of destruction and chaos and fear. 

Sirius tried. He tried so hard to get back for _Remus_. Remus.  _Remus_. 

Sirius did his best for Remus, but in the end, his best was simply not good enough.

He did it for the man who deserved the world but got so little.

He tried.

He _tried_. 

He tried for Remus, because Sirius _chose_ him. 

He chose _life_. 

 

 

Life didn't chose him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Remus_.

 

 

_Sirius lost his Remus_. 


End file.
